The Danger Signs
There are worse things than being alone…. – Charles Bukowski
As the Covid-19 pandemic (hopefully!) winds to a close this year and we all start our lives anew, maybe there has never been a better time to look at those we might (or already) have a relationship with. Let’s look through fresh eyes because while we’ve all changed, the things that make people unworthy of us has not,… There ARE far worse things than being alone.
As a side note, this article was originally created for those in the lifestyle who were about to choose a Dom(me)/ Master, or needed to reassess one they already have to ensure that their relationship is positive. There are many who see this as a dynamic for power and so do this for the wrong reasons. But the possibilities of abuse and domestic violence are in every relationship, and in every relationship (even very short ones). Consent is absolute. Full Stop.
A lot has changed over these last few years and for both better and worse many of these things have affected in ways that we would not have for seen only a few short years ago. Sadly domestic abuse rose, and it’s been claimed that this is due to us being “trapped” together in quarantine (as if there can ever be a reason). While statistics tell this as true, there may be other factors at play here. First, fringe ideas have burrowed into many of our consciousnesses, where isolation allowed us to find ways to make these things real enough, to give a purpose to our lives. While some of us may have found comfort within these rabbit holes, our partners may be outside, scratching their heads, wondering where we’ve gone (and why?). The problem is that since this has become who they are, non-agreement, or worse disbelief, is felt as a personal attack. So it’s possible to now be with someone who has an entirely different view of reality. (There’s a whole lot more to this!). Misinformation and poor role models have also led to the rise of the “False Alpha”, where weak, dishonorable and selfish traits are somehow held up as strength.
Heck of a way to start a new year! But all is not lost. This is a chance to look inside ourselves at what we really want for our future, and there is nothing more positive (or negative) to our well-being than our relationships. For the record, many of the topics on my website have been related to “alternate lifestyles” (related to my novel). These same issues are creeping in everywhere, and the idea that being tough, angry and ready to fight is somehow where strength comes from (um… it’s a code of hornour…) Needing to prove themselves, more and more of these “False Alphas” deciding that these are the traits of a Dom or a Master – when in fact it’s these same traits that make them the worst sort of people to have control over others. When we go through the “dangers” list, these are the things that they will do simply by nature and this isn’t limited to the lifestyle. Misinformation on what a “real man” is just as rampant as everything else, and because of this many people are looking for “strength” in places where it absolutely does not exist.
Up front, I will state that I am not qualified to provide advice, I’m only hoping that this list will provide some clarity in things that you may have let slide over time. If you recognize these behaviours in a partner (or even a friend), seek out friends, counseling, or the police if necessary. Of course not having these traits does not mean that your other is the right person for you. There are other reasons to be together and on these, I have nothing to say other than you only live once. Remember that the idea of a dangerous partner might feel exciting to you, but not if they are a threat to your body, mind, or well-being.
WHEN GOING THROUGH this list, take a moment to step back and view this from the outside – leaving your emotions behind. Do not look for excuses for this behaviour and ask yourself what you’d say friends if you’d seen these traits in their partner. These can also be unhealthy traits in friends as well… .
The following are signs of possible danger in a partner – we all know these things, but sometimes we need reminders:
- Basically, not “getting it”: If prospective partner demands that you treat them with “respect” before you they know you, or you’ve agreed to do so (in the case of the lifestyle, asking you to call them Sir, Madam, or Master), they don’t respect you as a person enough and will likely have issues with consent. They will not be able to meet your needs, because if they can’t respect you, how can they expect if from you? (Seriously, there’s this ridiculous “date” format where they will test you to see if you have the audacity to contradict their lies.)
- Jealousy – This is never justified from a true (and secure) partner. However, if you are flirting with others, you are showing a lack of respect while also breaking your partner’s trust – for this one, you need to look at yourself and why you are doing it. If your partner accuses you of this and you are honestly not doing it, then this is sign of greater danger. As above, if you haven’t made a commitment to them and they are already asking about your interactions with others (not just curiosity) – they are insecure and WILL be a problem.
- Lying – If you can’t trust them, then how can they be a Master worthy of you? Lying can be used for humour, or to protect others but when used for self protection, it’s pure weakness.
- Blaming – Blaming others, or circumstance is a sure sign of personal weakness and if this is their first reaction to things, they will likely take this out on you. A good partner (and person) takes responsibility for all that happens in their life, good or bad – and also helps others.
- Distancing – No matter how your relationship is built, your partner needs to see YOU underneath it all. Be aware of how they see you. While you might enjoy cold and distant sessions, if it seems that they are simply using you, then bring it up with your partner. Don’t accept words alone, and don’t accept belittling of your thoughts. If you still feel that you aren’t there to them and this doesn’t change, plan to leave because this will become emotionally damaging.
- False Bravado/Image issues – Eg: “I don’t do that, it looks ‘gay’’. A secure man or woman doesn’t give a sh*t. Be aware though that this may be a joke or a “humorous personality” they’ve created.
- Racism/Sexism – Even if you are a mixed race couple, that doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t have issues with these things. In fact, they might treat you in a certain way to express their own innate misogyny or racism. Notice how they treat and speak of others of your gender, race, or religion. You can’t be the the exception to their rule. If they still speak this way, then nothing has changed with them and they will likely see you first as the labels they have for you, before they do as who you are.
- Venting Anger toward you Anger is normal and we all have it, but when a partner brings anger home from the outside world and becomes angry with you. Venting to you about those outside frustrations is not the same thing but it can’t be at you if it has nothing to do with you. In general though even if they are venting every day and angry every day, it isn’t healthy for you to be around. It shows a lack of perspective and control of themselves on their part. Your partner can never use you, or blame you for things that aren’t your responsibility. Your purpose can NEVER be as an outlet for their inability to cope.
- Life Control. If your partner demands that they control your money, or have you account for everything you do, or buy, or where you go. This is a sign that they are watching you (jealousy) and/or making sure that you are bound to them and so cannot escape.
- Battery – This one is obvious. If they have begun to strike you (we aren’t talking about spanking, or anything you may have agreed to here…) Find a friend to take you in and get out now.
- Consent not respected – While wrestling might be fun, No means NO absolutely. This is why I like a safe word even in vanilla relationships because it can’t be mistaken for anything playful. Keep in mind that if “no” in the past didn’t actually mean no, they won’t take it seriously. If this has been your history, then put in a safe word now. Understand that this behaviour shows at a minimum a lack of respect for you, and rape at worst.
- Cutting you off from Family or Friends – There may be times when you are “unavailable” to others to just be with your partner, but they cannot stop you from having a real life. Removing you from your support group, like jealousy, is a sign of insecurity and is potentially dangerous. This may simply be them not liking spending time with your friends or family or even expressing their dislike that you spend time with them. You have to see them without your partner then. Full stop.
- Telling you that they can’t live without you – This is a horrible ploy coming either from insecurity, or as a trick to guilt you into staying with them. Of course it gets worse if they speak of killing themselves if you go, and worse still, if they threaten you or your family. Step away from the feelings for a moment and ask yourself what kind of person would do this to another? (I mean what they are doing to you of course). Does this have anything to do with you at all… or is it simply the hole in their psyche that you happen to fill?. It’s selfish and mean, so do not feel bad when you leave. Make it a clean cut and don’t go back because it’s simply enabling their behavior. If you are afraid for yourself, see if you can record what they say and take it to the police. It’s not your problem anymore and never should have been.
- Gaslighting – if your partner tells you untrue things about the world, themselves, or you… changes the reality of events that occurred, particularly at your expense, belittles your feelings or ideas, calls you crazy for your thoughts, or tells others that you are “unsound”, they may be gaslighting you. They will insist that you did things or said things that did not happen, and that your recollection is wrong. You will start to feel that you are never correct in anything you say or do and will become incredibly secure. In essence this is an attempt to twist your sense of reality in order to belittle you to the point where you no longer trust yourself in anything. If this continues your sense of reality will be broken and you will forget who you are. There are other things in this list that may be early signs that this may be happening (such as saying that you were flirting when you were not, or blaming you for things that you did not do). The real problem with gaslighting is its subtlety and your own disbelief that this could possibly be happening to you. If you have a need to please it’s easy to be susceptible without being aware that its happening. Notice whether you’ve started to apologize for things you didn’t do (never do this with anyone, EVER!) or, are constantly feeling insecure that whatever you think or feel is wrong… if you no longer trust your own perceptions and look to your Master for what they think, then you really need to stop listening to your Master. GET OUT and speak to someone else to reground. Remember that you didn’t feel this way before you met this person – this is when it started, so this IS the cause. NEVER forget this. The first step is often cutting you off from others either physically or mentally distancing you from them through disgracing you and belittling you so that you feel embarrassed to speak to them. Remember that as embarrassed as you might feel, others CAN and DO see this and they are hoping and waiting for you to see the light. They will be there for you. Get out as soon as you can and don’t EVER go back.
THESE MAY SOUND HARSH, but it’s better to be aware of these things so that you can notice them before you get involved if at all possible. There’s a “tough love” in harshness that can allow us to see more clearly. If you are in an D/s, M/s relationship when writing your hard limits, make sure that some of these key elements are added. (Hitting out of anger for instance – Never!). If these aren’t respected your “agreement” is instantly broken, end of story. Don’t allow yourself to waffle on these or let a potential partner change them. If you sense any of these things happening, track as “”worries” over time, so that you can see the pattern forming. As we change ourselves to fit with others, these are things that we may blind ourselves to. If you choose to keep a diary (and I strongly recommend it), add another hard limit. “I will not allow my Diary to be taken from me, nor denied the time and ability to be able to write in it privately.”
Road signs (and in signs in life), are to there prevent us from getting into trouble, so take notice of the. When we take a wrong turn, we can always go back… I hope that you all have a positive and healthy 2022!
OTHER ORGANISATIONS
There are many organizations out there to help and they keep thing anonymous for your safety. If you have any fears at all, find their websites and read more than what I have here and also find a local help-line, if your in imminent danger or even afraid that you might be, call the police. All of these things are there as are your friends and family. Don’t wait to see if things will “get better” before you start this process. Anyone who abuses, you mentally or emotionally, is violent or causes you to fear violent doesn’t deserve you.
One last note: While I was researching this, I found outlets debunking these same studies of domestic violence – I have no idea how anyone could be so callous and utterly immoral. Through cherry picking pieces of unproven information and patching these together with words of outrage, these same folks spreading misogynistic ideas are trying to spread lies that this isn’t happening. I’m sure that some folks reading their BS will choose to believe them rather than the numbers – or at least will disbelieve the science in their anger. (which is the true point of this – anger is clicks and anger creates ratings. Anger = Money! NO, I WILL NOT post those misinformation sites here! – he said angrily) The rabbit hole is deep, wide, and very, very dark. If I had one wish for 2022, it would be agreement on facts and direction that works for everyone’s benefit… so that humanity could move (more or less) together to make the world a better place.
