This post will tell you all you need to know….
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FIRST, A STORY
ONCE UPON A TIME, a long time ago, I found myself with a different sort of girlfriend. Strong, opinionated and stunningly beautiful, probably the right word for was “vivacious”. To me, she was a revelation because having grown up in a small town, all of my previous girlfriends were lovely but were a bit fawning and always focused (with hearts aflutter), on “being married”. This woman challenged me in her words and her actions. We could argue a point without worrying that we’d hurt each other’s feelings for having a differing opinion, and I could drag her into an alley on a whim to her great excitement. I remember the first time that I did this and I loved it when she she told me that she hadn’t expected this from me (because I was nice)… Then one night as I stripped of her clothes, in that wonderfully passionate and breathless voice of hers, she said:
“RAPE ME.”
Pardon? I thought, I mustn’t have heard her right, but I knew that I had… and she was waiting for me to do something and I had no desire at all to do. In fact the words had so put me off that for the first time ever with her, I’d lost interest entirely because these words to me were the opposite of sex. I imagine myself frozen above her, while my mind had tried to cope – questioning who she was, who I was.. and who she thought I was…
I don’t remember if anything had salvaged that night, but I expect that it all went downhill from there. We stayed together a while longer after that but neither of us gave it another thought as far as I know… strange as it seems, I don’t think that it affected either of us… it was a moment, it was strange, and it passed. This was another wonderful thing about her.
But let’s look at this now… Did she really want to be raped? F**k no! Her opinions on this were (and are) as strong as mine… She’d wanted to shock me and to test me… She’d wanted to have it rough and on my terms… She wanted to bring out a side of me beneath the “nice” and she’d wanted for me to take over entirely, so that she could just experience the moment.
Words are powerful things. The difference between saying “f**k me” and “make love to me” mean the same act (generally) only with a different expectation of intensity… I wasn’t ready for that word. There were too many connotations.
Rape is a violation, crime and a heinous, weak and horrible act. But that isn’t what she was asking for. She was using words in that same way that “fuck me” tells me something different than “make love to me” does…. She asked me to do something to her (and for her) and in asking gave her explicit consent. Rape is not the act itself, it’s because the act was unwanted – without able consent. So what she asked was never rape and couldn’t be unless she changed her mind, and I didn’t stop.e. A heinous and horrible act. But that isn’t what she was asking for. She was using words in that same way that “fuck me” has more power than “make love to me”…. She asked me to do something to her (and for her) and in so doing gave her consent so rape is impossible unless she changed her mind, and I didn’t stop.
Did I make a mistake? No, because I acted based what I”d thought was right at the time and doing otherwise would have been wrong. Would I now? Absolutely, because I know what it means, (although I would measure her intent first – I still wouldn’t do this or anything if I thought it might harm her. Does this mean that I no longer a decent human? Am I now a “bad” man? Of course not. What could be “nicer” than respecting and fulfilling someone’s fantasy without judgement? In doing this, I respect her wish for a certain type of sex without judgement, as well as the person who has asked. This is certainly the trait of a “nice” man? Does it matter that I’d enjoy it? No, but only because it had been asked of me… I’m still the same man.
A Good Master has Empathy
If you’re seen as “nice” it’s probably bothered you to see those you lust after drawn to selfish, arrogant bad boys (or girls), but who do YOU lust after? (We’re not talking about falling in love here) Do you look at a prim and proper woman who keeps to herself and imagine her (while she sits reading on a bench) as being wild in bed? What about a woman in a low-cut dress that shows the outlines of her body who seems interested in the men If you’re seen as “nice” it’s probably bothered you to see those you lust after drawn to selfish, arrogant bad boys (or girls), but who do YOU lust after? (We’re not talking about falling in love here) Do you look at a prim and proper woman who keeps to herself, and imagine her (while she sits reading on a bench) as being wild in bed? What about a woman in a low-cut dress that shows the outlines of her body who seems interested in the men around her? These are beliefs, not truths. How someone is dressed isn’t an indication of whether or not they wants sex (in particular with us). All that happens is we project our desire back onto those who arouse our desire. At this point, it has nothing at all to do with them and everything to do with us…
I did digress, but it was important to understand! Going back to our example of the two women, we know nothing about the sexuality of either, we only assume.
Now, take a moment and think about your fantasies, if you’re having thoughts of being a Master, surely you have erotic and possibly demented visions that you’d believe that “nice” people wouldn’t have. But you are nice and YOU do, so there’s little doubt that that nice, reserved woman has her own fantasies as well. It might that’s what she’s thinking about as she pretends to read her book. (Do you think of her as more sexy now? – Remember, nothing has changed about her at all… other than your perception of her.)
Embrace this entirely. One problem, with nice people is that they naturally put other people first, but this doesn’t work because for your submissive to fully enjoy the moment, both of you have to be there. You might think that this is selfish, but trying to prove that you’re “actually a nice person” (who might only be doing this for them) is far more so… In letting your own desires free, you allow them to enjoy their own. Anything else is dishonest.
Also, put yourself in their position(s), imagine how you’d want to feel… use that “nice” empathy to sense those moments. What would make them more intense? More pleasurable? More present? This isn’t about sex as much as it is about emotional state, connection, and heightened awareness.. Sex and pleasure are empowered by these things, and while they add to it, they aren’t the source… Again, nice folks take to this naturally.
THE “ROLE”
After saying all of these things (and hopefully convincing you), it might sound strange that there’s still a bit of a role to be played. This role helps both of you because it helps you to let go as well so that you can both focus on the moment and each other instead of self-doubt.
Don’t pretend. Become. Allow yourself to fulfill your own cravings as well as theirs.
Here are some tips to make the most of your sessions as a “nice” Master. Some are more important for your first sessions, and many are worth practicing until you are more sure of yourself.
Useful Tips
BEFORE
- Set the mood. When you think about the upcoming session, think about the light and the music. If it’s going to be rough, then heavy metal or thrash music can work. Keep the lights low, colours and candles. You want to change a space into something else.
- Plan your evening. Make sure that you know the rules and have decided (roughly at least) what you will do if your submissive breaks a rule or is disrespectful.
- Stretch your voice a bit and lower it if possible – It’s normal for people in unusual situations to rise in tone a bit at the end of sentences. Practice instead dropping the tone at the end. You will be giving commands, not asking questions.
- Decide on which fantasies to fulfil and plan roughly how to do this – don’t try to do too much in one night.
- Imagine it. Picture your sub in front of you and go through what you’ve planned with confidence.
- Don’t take Viagra. If you’re planning to take Viagra or something like this for the first time on this occasion. Don’t. If you feel that you have to, try it on your own first. (I was given some once and thought it might be fun for a session, but I felt so distant and numb headed that the negatives far outweighed the positive.)
DURING
- Relax, and don’t push the evening.
- Speak as little as possible, only use commands and give these as forcefully and succinctly as you can. Think before you speak, always and drop your voice as practiced.
- Use your hands more than words. In the example above, it’s better to push them into the right position and say only “like this. Remember it.” You’ll get better at speaking commands but in the short term, this is better. It also creates physical connection. If they’re slow to react to your commands (for instance, bend over) push them over.
- Imagine yourself as a bit of a “brute” and let that flow through your body.
- Expect perfection and find fault – if your submissive is kneeling but their posture is poor. Have them to fix it. (Note that these are the things that you’re most likely to get pushback but be strong. It isn’t just their posture that you’re adjusting here…)
- Use a strong grip and move with conviction – When you use your hands, add 50% to how hard you would normally grip them and if you are moving, re-positioning them do this in one solid and fluid motion if you can… sex is a physical act and so, be physical. Do not be afraid to throw them (as long as they will land safely). Know that this is shaking them into the moment and giving them a “rush”.
- Walk “heavy” – your sub should sense your physical presences as you move around them.
- A good default stance is a straight back, arms crossed and legs apart (when standing) – you may not need to do this, but it’s better than pacing or fidgeting. Do your best to be still when you’re not actively doing something.
- Keep them on their toes. Move in and out of their space. Be too close, even when you aren’t touching them and move behind them so that they cannot see you – this creates tension as does un-telegraphed touching and spanks. Control is everything.
- Don’t fall into bad porn language and follow your sub to some extent. I have my subs swear a lot because (of the power of words), it’s freeing. But don’t use clinical words (penis, vagina) or stupid cliché’s (manhood). Keep it simple, cock, dick, balls, cunt, clit, “tits” is better than “breasts” (except in literature). (I think that pussy is too nice a word, but it can work).
- Do not use abusive or demeaning language, unless you’ve already decided to do this. Absolutely do NOT call your partner a slut, a whore or a cunt (it’s used differently here). This is their fantasy, not yours, and if this isn’t something that they want, it’s a really BAD idea.
- Never ask if you submissive is “okay”, even if you accidentally hit them or knock them over. This easily kills a mood. Appraise them to make sure that they aren’t actually injured and respect them enough to tell you if they feel that they are. (Of course, if they are bleeding etc, put a stop to it and do something – but even then, do not say sorry.)
- You MUST stop and apologize if, you have broken a promise, betrayed their trust or missed a safe word. If you purposefully ignored a safe word, you’re an asshole and don’t deserve to be a Master. Quit now, apologize and let your submissive leave.
- Have them do embarrassing things, or things they aren’t used to doing, like masturbating in front of you, stripping for you giving you a lap dance. Anything that might free them from their own worries.
- Tell your submissive when they do things correctly or well. “Good”, “perfect”, “like a fucking beautiful angel”. Etc.
- If laughing happens, let it happen. It is a release, but don’t fall into it, or let it change things… and for God’s sake, do NOT make jokes.
- Allow yourself pauses, doing too many things can make it feel manic, but also do not leave things hanging too long. If you need the bathroom or to leave for any reason, tell them to stay as they are, or masturbate etc until you return. (Of course, spank them if they’re not doing this when you get back.)
- Ensure rules are followed – by both you and your submissive and remember your promises. Broken rules are to be reminded at first, not punished unless they keep doing it. Except for:
- Don’t accept any disrespect. If there are any signs of this, spank if you need to (this is also shifting your submissive toward your role and theirs).
- Never change your plans based on their reactions – YOU are in control.
- Control your expressions. Do not react to your submissive. In particular to not show insecurity of any kind, or react to their discomfort – if it’s new to both of you, this may only be your submissive adjusting to her role not that you’ve done anything wrong. (This is also a good time to remind them to avert their eyes). Blindfolds can also help. (Just a note that in 2 Dark Mirrors, this was Patrick’s “Achilles heel”.)
- Only do what you know – For example, if you’re going to tie someone up, but aren’t very good at doing this with confidence, now isn’t the time to learn. If this is your choice, start with handcuffs or something simple.
AFTER
- Decide when it’s over. This means that you don’t fall back into “nice” too soon. When it is over though, allow your submissive to soak it all in before you do anything at all. Step away if this feels the best thing to do. And when some time has passed, shift back suddenly. Don’t ever be half-way. If this is a 24/7 relationship, you may want “connection” breaks otherwise, when you are with them, you’ll have to maintain this attitude which can be difficult at first.
- Don’t discuss it. Don’t discuss any of the acts, ask if they liked it or whether or not they’ve had orgasms. These things may or may not happen later. They will likely be a bit “giddy” and just allow this.
- Check their state – to be sure that they aren’t embarrassed, or shocked or having trouble coping with what just happened. If it looks like this, just hold them and let them go through this themselves. If you think that this is bad, then break the spell and speak to them clearly but with strength.
- Do not let them leave if they do not seem okay. Most often it’s simply time that solves this, and whether you’re speaking or not. Time with you reminds them of who you are and so, it’s less hard for them to deal with.
- Think about what you did well and what really worked – if your submissive has a diary, read it after they have written about the session. They should be truly honest and so what you find here can only make things better.
Most of all have fun!
There’s related information on starting a relationship In the training and rules section. Please let me know your thoughts in the comments.
Training and Rules covers:
- Communication Rules (The first step)
- Defining Desires and Hard limits
- Sample Rules
- And more!
I’m also “flogging”, my 2 Dark Mirrors books. While fiction, they are based on actual sessions and the wonderful submissives I’ve enjoyed as a Dom/Master.
